Milestones

Bought my new iPhone 4 today.

Turned Reid's car seat around to face forward. I'm sorry you had to find this disappointing news out on my blog, Erica. He's big.

Experienced the shock of having a debit card declined at the Apple Store. Realized I'm not very embarrassed, actually, given that I am self-assured of my financial stability (in spite of this freak incident) and in a foreign country called Ohio where no one knows me.

The debit incident led to a wild goose chase of fraudulent BofA concerns, phone call remedies via the AT&T kiosk (my old phone had been deactivated without a new phone), a trip to the apartment for alternative credit card(s), and a visit with the Apple store manager. It has been several years since I was without phone access for a couple of hours, but somehow I survived.

It was worth it, but it was kind of ridiculous. I rewarded myself with a visit to the Cheesecake Factory bar for four seasons pizza.

Wall

Something does it to me, and I don't know what it is.

I've been meeting with a trainer every week since I moved here. We do total body stuff, like lifting and jumping and abs. It has happened twice now that I just hit a wall and can't go any more. I feel like I am going to pass out. My muscles will NOT work. I try to keep going so that his impression of me as a weak out-of-shape puny girl is not perpetuated, but then I have to sit down for a second. After about two minutes, I'm OK to get up, refuse his offers to drink Gatorade or quit, and head to the mat for abs.

He says I'm not eating appropriately. Well, DUH. I eat what I want to eat, then I have beer and ice cream. I tell myself that I am trying to eat his prescribed diet of balanced protein, carbs, and gallons of water. I do okay for a day, then I have a four hour case. I stumble to the cafeteria for a sandwich (with chips and a coke). He says eats several small meals a day. I say I am an interventional radiologist who makes rounds, gives lectures, and charts between cases. After a day like that, I head to my burger joint for my only real meal of the day.

So frustrating. Even when there's a will, it doesn't seem like there's a way. I miss being a runner. I miss training for a half. I miss not having to whine about being out of shape. [I miss my favorite jeans.] This moonlighting gig is a bigger problem than I thought it would be. Every other night, I do a work/sleep cycle from midnight to 7. Which means that I can't work out in the morning before work because I'm reading films. On the alternate every other day, I'm loving my sleep because I didn't get it the day before.

Just this morning I talked to my friend who coordinates said moonlighting, and we both want to cut back. If I could do 8 or 9 shifts a month rather than 15, it would make a huge difference. We're going to try that in July, so it's something to look forward to. I thought that I would be up here by myself and time would just multiply. Not true. I'm still a busy doctor, and I'm still whining. More things have to change.

I'm going to eat better before workouts. I'm going to print a running schedule. I'm going to replicate trainer workouts in between trainer workouts so that I'm not starting from ground zero each time. This puny stuff HAS to get better. Above, a visit to the Apple store when family was here in January.

Matters

Have. To. Vent.

Just spent a wonderful evening with coworkers from Cincinnati Children's. Four IR docs, one wife. Nice dinner at the oldest establishment in the city.

I share with Neil my experiences at Sewanee; there are many similarities to his university in Melbourne. There are many many people who can't relate to a Sewanee life, but he gets it. He then tells me he got married in the chapel there, with his wife three months pregnant. His choir buddy arranged magnificent music, and he paid the college caterer with a case of wine. He's is a romantic through and through. We are like-minded liberal individuals. It's a sweet story, and his wife is beaming.

John says his wedding was in the chapel of his wife's high school. Perfect picturesque setting.

KK had TWO weddings, one in India and one here in the US. People came in droves from Brazil to see the US version. The photographer screwed up. The DJ was fabulous. People danced all night.

I keep my mouth shut, because what am I supposed to say?

"I fell deeply in love. It was madness. We barely came up for air. We knew from the beginning. We bought rings in the NOLA French Market years before Katrina. One night, we danced in the rain outside our apartment. We sketched our dream house. We had a small ceremony at our house one evening. Her family wasn't invited. It's been 10 years."

This is why marriage matters. Equality means a million little things and lots of big things. It's not JUST because there wasn't a church, or pomp and circumstance, or acceptance. It's not JUST about inheritance tax. It's not JUST what other people think of us. It's all those things put together.

I'm not a hugely outspoken lesbian on a mission. I go about my life and rarely notice the differences. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm gay. It's like I totally forget. But this "venting" is more than refraining from whining. It's about the right things to say and do.

Marriage matters. It matters to me and to my family. It shows the world that we matter and that we're just like everyone else. It means I don't have to sit there smiling at dinner, internally considering the latest news from Maryland and Hawaii. It means my kids could be my kids. It means I don't have to consider Dutch citizenship, or a future trip to Iowa, just to get the job done. It means somebody might take a chance on their own honesty one day, knowing that "gay" can be done well.

Yes

Essentials

What I can't live without here in Cincy, otherwise known as the list of things I enjoy about being here:

Skype
Terry's Turf Club, my Monday night burger dive
Netflix
iTunes (to push back the quiet)
Fun colleagues and IR team
Time to read
Whole Foods
My trainer
My tough Honda Pilot in all its terrain-tromping wonderfulness
Restaurants with bars, so that I never have to get a table for one
The promise of spring; the accomplishment of learning to deal with the cold
Google Maps and GPS

My routines are solid now. I never did live an adult life on my own. Well, there was about a month of medical school before E and I became a we. I think if things had gone completely different in my life (thank God that's not the case), it would look somewhat like what it is now. I get up early, read the news/feeds/FB, make coffee and breakfast, leave for work at 6:50, change into scrubs, work, change out of scrubs, home. The last part is where there are frequent deviations. Many nights I go to dinner with folks from work. Mondays I go to Terry's. Some nights I eat at home. I stay home on Friday evenings. I go to the movies on Saturdays. I wash clothes and take out the trash on Sundays. I mean, this is what people do who don't have families, I guess. There are parts of this that I like. As a type A hoarder of details and plans, this kinda fits my psyche. [You should see the organization of my bathroom shelf.]

I don't crave drama and chaos. I don't love the unexpected.

BUT I MISS THOSE THINGS! Shock of all shocks, to learn some things about yourself. I can literally feel what my kids would feel like in my hands. It is a visceral kind of miss. It is so cliche, but all those good and bad and crazy and ugly things about being a family are so crucial to our beings.

On another note, if you ever get the chance to experience being recruited, enjoy it. It is quite flattering. It probably needs to stop before I get a big head. My humility is really taking a beating around here. OK, not really, but there is a certain allure to the attention. And appreciation. I am so grateful for all the training I've had up to this experience. I was ready to tackle this. I am good at what I do, and I found the perfect job for me. Some kids actually get better when we treat them. All of these things I owe to the people who trained me so well. What a blessing.

No, we're not moving. But my eyes are open to the possibility. I have now seen for the first time another medical system. Another set of rules, routines, experiences, and outcomes. There's a whole world out there!!!! It will someday become very clear that the timing is right for me to chase my career to a new place. When that day comes, I think I'll be ready.

Tomorrow, HOME. Exhale.