Before (Part 1 of 3)

Before my grandmother died, she was lots of things:

Classy
Giving
Sometimes irritating
Lover of scarves, leather gloves, and jewelry
Wine drinker
Shaky (years of anti-epileptic drugs' side effects)
Tall
Early riser
Shopper
Dog lover
Laugher
Computer savvy
Chocaholic (really, anything sweet would do)
Budding genealogist
Nervous/worried
Environmentally conscious
Limited in culinary talents
Painter
Detail oriented
Cold cream user
Coffee drinker
Political
Crafty
Breast cancer survivor
Sentimental
NOT forgetful
Country and cosmopolitan at the same time
Outgoing
Secretive
Mother of 2, grandmother of 4, great-grandmother of 5
Widow x 2, divorcee x 2
Engrossed in numerous successive projects
Content
Faithful and prayerful
Adventursome
Obsessed with flowers
Never very well-off
Fiesty and a little vindictive

She didn't really have an easy life. I can't blame her her faults.

We always knew that the tangle of vessels in her right parietal lobe were there, tempting fate. We knew she should have, could have bled and died long ago. We didn't know it would be on a Saturday, or that it would happen right before my mother's eyes, or that the preceding days would have been so precious and joyful. How could we have?

Overdue

Musing

Why can't a gas station credit card reader not tell if I'm using debit or credit? There's ample technology involved in the transaction to be able to discern.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wagon

I fell off the blog wagon after all that January drama.

I am enjoying a Sunday afternoon with my computer, playing catch up and planning how much more there is to do. Including taxes. If I get that done, it'll be huge.

We are having an open house now; the family is sleeping while I do my solitude thing. Pa.ndora, Goog.le Reader, Face.book, etc. I'm so web savvy! I know how to put dots between popular words so creeps don't find me!!!!!

Dory has heartworms and is undergoing treatment. She had her first shot Friday. It makes us feel like horrible moms for letting her get sick. Now she has to be super calm for six weeks. Good luck.

I am going to Cincinnati for 6 months (January-June 2011). So that's decided. I picked the 6-month, direct-flight, normal working hours, no-call option. Shocking, really. So I plan on my first real paycheck at the end of July 2011. There. It's out there. We can make it.

Ross is into costumes: Darth Vader, Jedi, dragon, Spiderman, pirate.
Reid is trying out rice cereal this week. Sitting up a little bit. LAUGHING. But mostly very serious. Nursing eighty times a night. Chomping on fingers. Squeezing his toes.

D

We are in big D. I wish it were for better reasons. We left early this morning and had a really good trip with the boys (i.e. they didn't scream in their seats, no major spills, no bad weather, etc). Erica's mom is with us to help with them. Reid has to be with Erica for feeds, obviously, so we couldn't leave them at home. But they can't come to events with us, so Margie is taking good care of everyone.

The visitation was horrible. We are drained. I'll never forget it as long as I live. The best part was seeing how much Audra needed Erica and was glad to see her.

Our hotel is a little shady and smells like French fry grease. But I am a cheap skate and found it for 58 on hotels.com.

Quick

A quick post since I've broken my resolution and missed yesterday.

I had good reason. A friend of ours from Erica's residency class, Audra, lost her baby Thursday to SIDS. She was Reid's age. We spent our evening last night planning our trip to Dallas and talking. No time to hop in front of a screen.

I was actually off yesterday, so I had lots of good Reid time. Ross went to school. We went to my dad's new place to meet him and my aunt Becky, who will be decorating. He moves in a week if all goes as planned. We also went to see Mom at school. He was a hit and loved the attention. E met us for lunch at Bossa Nova (always a treat). Then the boys had check-ups. Reid had four shots and a rough evening.

Today I head in to round on a couple of patients, then we just plan some home time.

And no, I am no pregnant. Geez. And I can't adopt my kids in AR. It's just that I would like to work to change that process, ask if there are loopholes, etc.

Rough

We had a rough night. Too much going on. Ross had a friend's birthday party tonight, and it was fun but set us back a bit. Weeknight excitement can do that. It somehow became 10:00 really fast.

We got NO precipitation, which I hope you remember was properly predicted here last night.

Reid has a persistent cold. How long is too long? Why does his cough sound so horrible? Has he peed enough? Does he need medicine? Why am I married to a pediatrician but have no clue how to settle our worries about these kids?

This morning I woke up dreaming that we had all been in a plane crash. I was trying hard to find the boys in the aftermath, which was quite a drawn out process. I finally got to this Catholic girls' school in a densely forested neighborhood. After finally finding the lobby, I stood at the desk while the nun started telling me that I had to fill out a form to remain on campus. I begged her to help me find "my boy." I kept saying it over and over again. It was like Ralph Fiennes in "The English Patient," when he can't get back to Katherine because they think he was (and he was) a spy. Only seemingly more dramatic. The other weird thing: One of my future partners was on staff at the school. I'm not going to tell her.

I think I harbor separation anxiety. One of my goals (New Year's Resolutions?) is to make progress in the land of Adopting My Kids. I could at least try.

Remember

I try to think of things during the day that would be great to post in the evening. There seem to be so many.

And yet. Here we are, with not much to say. About a year ago (almost two years), I read two books in short succession that each employed a narrative technique that involved little stream-of-consciousness sentences such as: "And yet." Even so." "Still." I always think of those books when I write something like that. It was super effective and made an impression on me. Great transitions. Richard Ford's "The Lay of the Land" and "History of Love" by Nicole Krauss.

On the radio this morning.

I hate tumor board in general, today's tumor board in particular. I always sweat and get a headache to be walking that plank.

It may snow tonight, so the whole world is in hysteria mode. Me, I have chosen to ignore. We go about our business. Ross throws a fit to go to bed, the breast pump in the other room whirs, and Reid devours his conglomerate fingers.

Fifth

Here we are at five days in a row. See, I could do it.

To answer: yes, my mom was temporarily sick. H1N1 for a week, followed by a secondary pneumonia that required hospitalization. She was really sick but made a full recovery. My dad met me in the ER. The three of us were alone together for hours on end, for the first time in several years. It was good considering the circumstances. Then it was bad because it got complicated. They made a movie about it; did you see it?? Meryl Streep even drives a Highlander.

Today was crazy at work. I got finished a little after 7 (that's radiologist speak for late). Erica had already made dinner and accomplished baths. I swept in for the final hurrah, read books, then they crashed. I don't remember sitting today, but I must have for a few minutes at a time. I did eat. It was a fun day.

I am still really frustrated with PICC lines in babies. It is the most technically challenging but banal of our procedures in IR. Bread and butter. Several a day. Technologists standing around tapping their toes. But the smaller the baby, the more difficult. Sometimes I feel like I'm gaining ground, but then I'll have trouble with a few. Like today. It is so frustrating to be in this position. Board certified, mid-year fellow, experienced, looking at another fellowship for these types of procedures, and totally screwing it up. I am capable of so many things, but that doesn't matter when I'm at the plate for one of these little kids. It WILL get better. My mantra.

I am learning so much. As the only fellow in the department, people bring me their interesting cases. They ask me questions. We look stuff up. I kind of know all the kids in the hospital - at least their images. I may never see them face to face, but I have them memorized. Lest you think it is all hard PICC lines, this is a most rewarding year to get to experience.

Back

So back to work for me today. I had the stomach bug yesterday and wasn't sure about work, but woke up OK to go. Lo and behold, it was a Little Rock snow day for no good reason. The boys had school cancelled, which would have been fine because E was off service this week. THEN she got the call that her partner was puking and had fever. Scrambling ensued; babysitter arrived. Both moms to ACH.

Hectic start to the week, but we had a great evening. Reid's hair is really growing right now. He is drooling a lot. He smiles all the time. He sat through the entire dinner on my lap with no fussing. These are the kinds of things I notice and mention at the dinner table and want to remember next year and the next and the next. Good enough reason to blog.

I got an email last night and phone call yesterday from my best college buddy, Erica, in Denver. She had twins last week. She got pretty sick; they're early but doing well in the NICU. Hopefully, they'll be out in a couple of weeks. It makes me miss my friend to know that so much is going on in her life. I've been thinking about them a lot.

I've been thinking about my dad, too, who is going through lots of transitions associated with a pending divorce. I know as a parent the feeling of hurting for my kids, and I am experiencing something similar as a kid watching a parent. It's been a rough few months with my parents. My mom got sick in September. The two of them have been "talking." He's had his own drama. It seems like their divorce happens over and over again. It never goes away, and it's always an adjustment. Ugh. I'm whining.

Good place to stop.

Forgot

I forgot to explain the title of last night's slightly drunken post. I was a pushover yesterday. Ross is a three-year-old and that's not his fault. He gets whiny. It's our fault for being pushovers, and we were guilty yesterday. A few times. After we got home, we were discussing this phenomenon with the babysitter. THEN he stayed up to watch a movie in our room. My head hit the pillow, so I wasn't involved in the movie. Erica stayed up with him. Apparently it was close to midnight. REALLY??

Lots of things to work on today, not the least of which is taking down Christmas. Working on printing some pictures. Grocery. Laundry. It keeps going and going and going. How do people keep heads above water? Is it just me?

Pushover

Today:
Ross TV, Reid blowout diapers, E to work, Leah in charge for the morning.

I took Ross to see Alvin and Chipmunks for a special date. Which was fine except my phone fell between the seats and was a major ordeal to retrieve - after the movie with the janitor-trash can-flashlight man.

Big nap, then date night for moms. We went to the Pantry and had a pleasant fairly casual evening. Then Sack at So, which didn't live up to expectations. We rode around and were thankful for Whitney. Much needed moms time.

Ross was extra cute today. He was needy and sweet and lovable.

2010

Last published October 16, 2009.

Pathetic. Here resolved: a post a day for 2010. It can be one word for all I care, but it will happen. I've lost all my readers, so it doesn't matter if the posts are pathetic. No one will know!

Growing our family made for an eventful 2009. That goes without saying. There have been so many changes, small and large. Erica and I have seen our relationship come full circle in the past year and a half. Ross has become a big kid, and a new baby has joined us. Even Reid has made major changes.

Where we stand now:
I (Leah) am a pediatric radiology fellow at ACH. My job is awesome, but it would be nice to be finished training (and making real money; let's be honest). Unfortunately, that's probably a year and a half away. One more year of training (dedicated to pediatric interventional radiology) will follow this one. Time frame is July 2010 to June 2011; then start the real job. ACH is home. It is a great place to train and will be a great place to join a group.

Erica is still thriving in her job as a pediatrician, also at ACH. She takes care of babies in the NICU but has fewer hard-core responsibilities than her neonatology colleagues. She has no nights and weekends. It averages a week on/week off. She loves her job but hates being back at work after having a new baby. This description betrays the real situation, though. Erica is a super mom. She works hard, is an easygoing role model for a rambunctious three-year-old, and spends day and night breastfeeding Reid and pumping milk for him at work. And I'm here to testify. She makes it look pretty easy. We're overly busy and get stressed and forget where our keys are just like everyone else. But she keeps it together. The Braswell glue.

Ross turned three on December 13th. He didn't have terrible twos but is showing signs of terrible threes! Actually, I shouldn't say that. It's just that he is now capable of acting badly. He loves school at Trinity Cathedral's Early Childhood Education Program. His teachers (Whitney and Amanda) love him and are an integral part of raising him up. He loves Spiderman, movies, playing outside, his cousins, and all things rough and tumble. He potty-trained himself this fall and has done a great job. Diapers at night. Still has nighttime pacifier which we are fine with. Sleeps with us a lot which we are fine with. LOVES his baby brother.

Reid is now a baby with an adorable personality. He smiles and snuggles with the best of them. He was a little higher maintenance as an infant than Ross, but now he is this perfect little sweet being. Great breastfeeder. Decent sleeper. Perfect little brother. He is already laughing at Ross. He sits up if supported and has rolled front to back already. Four months tomorrow.

We really want to sell our house early this year. Our house payment and upkeep are way too much, and it's time to simplify and get back to basics. Especially if I work out my training to be done elsewhere. I've interviewed in Toronto and Boston, and have a January 28th Cincinnati interview. We need an easy place for that time period because Erica will stay here with the boys.

We are like a lot of Americans and have had lots of technology advances. Of course our iPhones help all the time; we've had them 2 and a half years now. I've become an RSS feed reader. We have an iMac, a MacBook Pro for Erica via work, and a MacBook Air for me. We are never far away from Facebook, email, and feeds. We got a new TV for Christmas with a Blu-Ray player that has wireless streaming for instant Netflix viewing and Pandora radio. We have Tivo for the downstairs TV, and it stays stocked with kid-friendly shows. I got iPhone speakers for the den for Christmas. I have a new Kindle, given to me by my dad sometime this year. It's truly all-tech all the time, and sometimes we have to take a break.

We'll be in better touch. There will be plenty of time for me to catch up on the blog so that I have a record of how the kids and family are doing. That's the plan.

Test

First post from iPhone app.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Slip

Well, it's been a while again since I've posted. Time just slips away, it seems. Lots has happened. It's been a really "up" season, and sometimes I worry about the eventual down.

I passed my boards. It was a big deal. I got the letter on the Friday after I got back from Louisville. Pure elation is fairly representative of my thoughts that day. The only bad part was that I had some colleagues who didn't pass. After all the studying and planning together, that's a bit of a downer. Erica and I celebrated my finishing with dinner at Copeland's. We had never been. I even ate a steak! That's kind of a big deal for me.

I went back to work the following week, and it was fun to sit in the reading room and just WORK. No stress to worry about. Even the ringing phone didn't bother me. I gave morning conferences, dictated studies, and went about my business. We had a fun residents' day on the golf course that Friday, followed by a big party at our house for all the residents. I'm so glad we did that - people brought their kids, we catered from Reno's, and the weather held off. Lots of fun. I graduated that Saturday night. Graduation was a really nice event and dinner. I was proud to have my family there (minus Ross, who stayed with Erica's parents).

Then we left for St. Louis. What a good little trip. We drove up on Sunday and discovered why these little GPS deals are so popular! We're a couple of years late on that one. Our hotel was right across from Busch stadium - Hilton at the Ballpark. That was a great decision, and we kind of lucked into it via kayak.com. We had fun in spite of a lot of rain. Highlights: me climbing in all the tunnels with Ross at City Museum, driving and walking around the park (lots of good pictures walking around the fountain), a quick afternoon trip to the zoo, a long morning at the Magic House (favorite area = construction), lunch at Fitz's root beer, and of course the Tuesday night Cards game. We got there early and settled into our FRONT ROW seats down the 1st base line. It was hot, but the sun went down below the top of the stadium before long. Ross made friends with the little guy who shags fouls. Ross got to wear his helmet between 1/2 innings. The cards dominated. We had the complete experience and probably won't repeat such a good time. We stayed late, too, and Ross got to walk onto the field with his friend. AND he got us a foul ball, AND the girls gave him a souvenir T-shirt.

The next day, we went to the zoo for a more complete visit before leaving town. We spent a lot of time there. Erica rode on a little scooter to prevent too many contractions. It was super hot, but we managed. It was kind of like being in Orlando in July, but not quite as fun. We pretty much saw all the animals. Ross and I rode the train at the end of the day, and then it was back to Little Rock.

After the trip, back to work. I started my fellowship this past Tuesday at Children's. It has so far been exactly as I expected. It is so rewarding to FINALLY be doing what I've always wanted to do. What a blessing. And now, everyone refers to me as "our fellow." I'm in this primo moment in my career. And I feel so welcomed.

Erica, on the other hand, has had a rough couple of weeks at work. Just busier than usual. She's been dealing with contractions for several weeks now, but we are now less worried about them; our doctor has calmed some fears and said they are mild. We are almost 29 weeks, and the goal is to make it to 35 (when Ross was born). E's BP is holding stable and we're just clicking along now.

For the fourth, we went to the Travs game and watched fireworks from there afterward. It has been a fairly low-key weekend. We went swimming Friday, ate barbecue yesterday, and are headed to our friend Keller's tonight for dinner. Just enjoying our last few weeks of being three.

24

Well, I'm 24 hours away from being free of the American Board of Radiology for the next ten years (that's when I'll recertify).

I spent a lot of time debating whether or not to blog about my trip to Louisville, but I decided to record what I can remember of my trip. All radiologists hate this place. Few have any memories of their boards. When my granddad died, my dad took pictures. It seemed weird at the time (standing around a funeral home room, shaking hands with people, listening to muzak, when FLASH goes the bulb). But now I can see that my dad is probably glad he has memories of that event. Even when it's not pleasant, it's important.

Background: those of you who have had to live around me for the last four years know that it all comes down to this. All those 7 AM conferences, taking cases in front of peers, sounding like an idiot in the beginning, getting chastised for missing subtleties on the images, sweating through countless scrub shirts, etc. The only reason we have case conferences is to simulate the oral board experience. All those books and websites. All those call nights, consultations, cafeteria meals. All those quizzes, PowerPoints, duty hours, schedule requests, rotations, attendings. Everything a resident does for four years means not-a-lot if tomorrow doesn't go well. There's a lot on the line, which makes the event enormous regardless of the preparation, reassurance, and previous pass rates. The culture of radiology residency is so closely intertwined with this exam. It's what gowns and gates are to Sewanee. It's what hot dogs are to baseball, ears to Mickey Mouse. So when I sit in those 10 consecutive hotel rooms with 10 examiners tomorrow, it'll be a big deal. Even though I know I'll pass.

There's not a lot in Louisville. I got here on Sunday uneventfully. Airplanes (NWA), rental car (Enterprise Hyundai), hotel (Hampton Inn). I was shocked to see how close the Executive West Inn is to the airport. [It was bought by the Crowne Plaza within the last year, but I can't bear to think of it under that name; boards are ALWAYS at Ex West.] When I got in my little car and exited up out of the airport lot, this monument of a hotel was the first thing I saw, dominating my little horizon like some huge stadium. It's kind of intimidating! My hotel is right next door. By the way, I LOVE getting into a hotel room. I immediately unpack everything and put things in their places. It's like a clean slate moment for me, and everything fits so neat and tidily. Suit hanging up, little soap bar unwrapped, computer plugged in. I love it.

I went to a Quizno's for lunch, drove around downtown for a while, and found a local weekly paper so that I could pick a good place for dinner. I saw the U of L (there was a regional playoffs baseball game going on at Papa John Stadium), the Children's Hospital, and the Louisville Slugger museum. I was back in my room for a while, but headed out to Boombozz Taphouse for dinner. It was a good choice; lots of draught beers, good pizza, good atmosphere. Watched some TV and actually got quite a bit of sleep. Today was a little harder to fill with activities. I kept seeing examinees coming and going from the hotel next door and wishing for my own completion and closure. I went to a bookstore and a mall to spend some time. I've been in my room for a lot of the afternoon playing on the computer, learning about RSS feeds, catching up on blogs, and trying not to think about the test.

What I'll remember about this semester is the time I've spent with my group of residents, the nerves, and the support I've gotten at home. I'll NEVER think about boards without giving a silent little shout out to Erica, who helped keep me sane and allowed all those study nights. She took on proportionally more laundry, meal prep, trash take-out, discipline, phone call, errand, and planning duty. Willingly. Without debate.

What I'll remember about my residency is that thousands of patients were involved in getting me here. They all helped. A CT scan has about 400-500 images on average, if you include the reconstructions, scouts, etc. MRI has more. US has hundreds as well. If you look at 50 or 60 studies a day, plus conference, plus call and after-hours, plus what we read in books, we are exposed to thousands of images EACH DAY. Imagine what how many images I've seen in four years. It takes real people - with real diseases that hurt and make those patients throw up and bleed and drain and suffer - to make those images. I don't forget that. I will never forget that while my specialty at times makes me a little more removed from the IV poles and hospital beds and call buttons, I am indebted to real people.

So I'll finish tomorrow around noon, head to the airport, and get home tomorrow night. I'll spend much-needed time with my family and open a little letter on Friday or Saturday. Phew.

Still

I'm still studying, but I'm in the taper.  It's just like training for a marathon, but without toenail injuries.  You don't work too hard at the end.  Especially in the last two weeks.  One week from right now, I'll be in Louisville.  

We've had a pretty good holiday weekend, even though it hasn't seemed too celebratory for me. That's one thing I've noticed about residency and young doctorhood: holidays aren't much.  We have this conversation when we're looking at schedules and planning trips.  Sometimes you have time off, sometimes you don't.

Ball game Friday night.  Ross got to run around the bases at the end.  I was way more excited than he was, and that's saying something.  I don't think I've ever gotten to do that; since I have a less-than-5-year-old, I got to participate. Have I ever told you the story about how I DIDN'T get to be a Travs batgirl when I was a kid. I'll spare you the pain. Let's just say it was tragic. And unconstitutional.

So we ran around yesterday, accomplished some errand stuff, spent time with my mom, and ended up going to Whole Hog for dinner followed by a movie (Earth).  We were planning on Monsters/Aliens, but you know how plans are.  Apparently my widget for movie times isn't so correct.  So we got there an hour early and went to eat barbeque instead.  We were the only people in the movie theater, which turns out to be perfect when you have a two-year-old watching a nature documentary featuring the bland, serious voice of James Earl Jones.  He was all over the place, and we let him.  Lesson: don't plan.

Today has been pretty rainy and dull, i.e. not much to post about.  We made it to church (there was plenty of room there), and then I studied.  One of those weekends where we keep thinking we'll plan something to do and do it.  Like I said, plans are overrated.  

Hopefully the game and fireworks won't get rained out; so far, so good.

Trickle

The days are just dragging.  My test is two weeks from yesterday, and I can't seem to get there.  I think I'm finished studying.  I just want to get there.  Everything is on hold.  Erica misses me.  I miss me.  I forget more things than I remember.  I am whiny.  Etc, etc.

I got to have lunch with Katy today, and that cheered me up a lot.  It's good to have an oldest bestest friend.  Some things never change. 

My applications are now complete to Toronto and Boston for the year-after-next fellowship possibility.  If I'm a good blogger, I'll keep you posted on how the academic year 2010-2011 progresses.

Our house isn't selling.  People are barely even looking.

We had a busy weekend.  Ross had three birthday parties, which means we have officially entered that stage in life.  He now has Tuesday and Thursday night swimming lessons, which he is ROCKING.  They want to promote him.  Ha.  Not surprised.  He had a hateful whiny horrible morning today.  I asked him, "What did you do with my kid and why can't you bring him back to me?"  Unfortunately, everyone at Panera saw his ferocity and thought, "That's her kid.  Why does she bring him out?"  They don't know that that's not really my kid.  My Ross is perfect and sweet and fun and appreciative.  Yikes.

Erica is back at work this week (she has these unpredictable but welcomed weeks off), so that has brought a little more routine to our lives.  She still holds things together around here, and weathers our toddler's storms with one hand tied behind her back.

Meanwhile, I'm sticking to the things that always work:  morning walks, my dog, beer, wasting time online, a clean car, new books, and Erica.  Always Erica.

Don't squeeze

Moms

Mother's Day was fun around here, obviously double the usual celebration.  We had special bagels at Ross' school at drop-off time on Friday, and he made little gifts for us.  They were in a sack to open on Sunday, but he was so proud he yelled, "Handprint!" when I picked him up that afternoon.  

He spent the night with my mom.  They went to Fayetteville to stay with Nae-Nae (my mom's sister), who was in charge of her two grandsons.  I'm sure it was non-stop fun.  Ross was exhausted Saturday when he got home.  It allowed us a dinner at Brave New, which is by far our favorite Little Rock restaurant.  We hadn't been in a LONG time.

I had mock boards on Saturday, which was really good for showing me how long that "real" day will feel.  It went well, and it put a lot of things in perspective.  I know this stuff.  I've been studying like crazy.  A few areas to work on in the next three weeks, but otherwise a confidence booster.  I got home around 2:30 and opened a beer.  Nice.

Erica had a lot of family in town for Mother's Day.  Her grandmother is moving to Florida, and the exchange between caretaker-uncles happened in Little Rock.  It is a difficult transition for everyone because the grandkids feel like she is moving too far away.  So kind of a bittersweet day.  Nonie is in her eighties and largely unaware of the goings-on.  Everyone took more pictures than usual.

Sunday was church and brunch back at Erica's parents' house.  Big day.  We napped and then had dinner with my dad and grandmother (who is also increasingly unaware).  Ross loves big family weekends and seeing the cousins.

With all the rain, we spent last evening cleaning out the drain in front of our garage so that it doesn't flood.  There was mud everywhere.  Ross played with worms.  I shoveled mud.  Erica Shop-Vac'ed the standing water.  And then we dug out the drain itself.  Not glamorous work, but it seemed to hold last night during the rain.  As I was walking them out to the car this morning, Erica and Ross saw a big turtle in our drive!  He was thrilled.  My camera was upstairs, which now I'm totally regretting.

Above: we're learning about underwear.  We have a lot to learn.